


this is the beat of my heart (the fear of falling apart)

by TotallynotRemus



Series: the ugly sides of me [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Drug Addiction, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Implied/Referenced Underage Drug Use, Lack of Communication, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21715630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallynotRemus/pseuds/TotallynotRemus
Summary: Sometimes you have that realization that things are worse than you’d previously thought, and you have to wonder how it got that far. Or, six times the Hargreeves stumbled upon Klaus’ growing addiction, and one more.
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves & The Hargreeves
Series: the ugly sides of me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1565167
Comments: 91
Kudos: 193





	1. Vanya

**Author's Note:**

> because addictions aren't born out of nowhere
> 
> A huge thanks to Sara (@obliqueoptimism) for not only giving me the idea but helping me in every step of the way and encouraging me to keep going!! Without you this wouldn't have been possible <3 thank you!
> 
> This was supposed to be posted with all the seven parts as one big chapter and with a second chapter with 6+1 other parts, however i crave Validation™ and so I'll be posting each part as a chapter and the continuation as another fic in the series but such is life asdfghjkl this fic will deal with them growing up in the academy, each chapter a different sibling.
> 
> Hope you guys like it, sorry it's so short! <3

They’re twelve years old, and Klaus breaks his jaw dancing around with Mom’s heels and needs to have it wired shut for eight weeks. 

Vanya wasn’t there to see it happen— she’d been practicing her violin at the time, wanting to finally be good at something while all the others enjoyed their free time between lessons— but she can’t imagine it was a pleasant experience. It must be a truly awful feeling, to be denied something as natural to you as talking, though truth be told if it’d been her Vanya thinks there wouldn’t be any difference at all.

_(She doubts anyone would even notice, beyond maybe Five. Nobody else ever bothered to listen to her talk.)_

She knows though, that despite the obvious frustration Klaus feels at not being able to speak or move his mouth as normal— and Klaus was ever a talker— there’s a peace to him too that wasn’t there before. He seems better rested, too— like he hasn’t had any nightmares since, and Vanya would know, what with her room being the closest to his. She’s since gotten used to falling asleep despite his screams.

_(Vanya remembers she once used to run to his room every night when they were younger, scared for her brother and not understanding why he always screamed so much, childishly wanting to help despite being just ordinary. She doesn’t remember when she stopped, nor why.)_

_(It didn’t seem to matter either way. Klaus kept screaming all the same.)_

She doesn’t know why that is, but she’s glad to see him him well despite the injury— whatever the reason may be, it’s helping, and that’s all that matters. By the time his jaw is healed, Klaus has not a trace of the dark circles that she’s gotten so used to seeing under his eyes.

Still, she can’t help but wonder.

“There you go, dear! As good as new,” Mom tells him gently once she’s deemed Klaus all good again, with Vanya right by her side eager to be of help in any way she can. “Not as bad as you thought it would be, right?”

He nods, sounding a little distracted as he hums his agreement. 

“How was it?” Vanya asks before she can help herself, but once the question is out she doesn’t take it back. Even though it’s been eight weeks now, it’s still a little unsettling to see him so quiet, to not hear his jokes and his laughter. It feels wrong. Klaus is supposed to be loud and full of life, the opposite of her.

Klaus blinks, still feeling out his jaw for a moment before looking back at her. He smiles.

“Quiet,” he says in the end, cheekily, his voice rough from disuse.

And though that’s something the others have joked about plenty once the worry settled down— finally something that managed to shut Klaus up and allowed them some peace and quiet, maybe miracles do happen— Vanya doesn’t think he’s talking about that. Or at least, not entirely. There’s a sincerity in his eyes that betrays his smirk, and she has a feeling that there’s something that she’s missing here.

Then again, Vanya was never able to understand her extraordinary siblings, not really.

_(She never understood Klaus at all, who complains about something that she would do anything to have. Doesn’t he know how good he has it?)_

They tend to forget she’s not in with some of their inside jokes sometimes and not understand why she’s confused, mention a game she hadn’t been invited to or some secret she was never told then stare at her when she doesn’t react like they expected her to.

_(She pretends it doesn’t hurt to be forgotten, so easily overlooked almost as if invisibility is her hidden power— or perhaps it is mediocrity instead.)_

Vanya nods uncertain, hiding under her hair as she always does to hide the fact she regrets having said anything at all. She stays behind once Klaus finally leaves the infirmary, helping Grace tidy everything up again— leaving her to deal with the more important tasks while Vanya takes care of the simpler, easier stuff for her like tidying the infirmary bed and putting everything back in the right places.

When she goes to put away the painkillers Klaus had been on though— and it must’ve been a pretty painful injury, since he’d stayed on them until the very end and never stopped complaining to Mom about it— she finds the bottle missing, even though she could swear it’d been there one second ago.

Or was she just imagining things?


	2. Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps impulsively posting the first chapter when the next two parts were exactly the ones I still had to write was a bad idea... but then how was I supposed to know there'd be consequences to my actions??
> 
> Anyway here's Benny boy

Ben would never dare to say it out loud— even if most of his siblings have no qualms about it and complain all the time, always a lot more outspoken than him about the things that bother them— but he’s sure there’s nothing more boring than Pogo’s history classes.

He tries his best to stay focused and write down everything important that he’s being taught, but even he starts to grow tired of it as the chimp’s voice continues to drone out about the strategies used in a war or another and it’s not long before Ben catches himself looking at the others instead. From his seat, he can see Allison in her usual spot at the front row reading a gossip magazine she’s hid inside her book, probably thinking she’s being sly though Ben knows Pogo already caught on to what she’s doing from the way he keeps eyeing her and shaking his head, while at her side Diego carves something on the leg of his desk and Luther, though he tries to pay attention, struggles to stay awake and hide his yawns.

_(He very pointedly doesn’t look at the empty seat where Five is supposed to be. It’s been two years now and yet Ben still misses him just the same.)_

_(It’s easy to forget sometimes that he’s not there, to turn around and expect to see him rolling his eyes at a lesson he deems too easy or playing pranks on them with Klaus with a brilliant grin on his face, to have him at their side during fights. Ben still hopes everyday to see him leaving his room in the morning, just like he always used to do, wishing Ben good morning with drool on his face and his hair still messed up from sleep before jumping to the bathroom ahead of everyone else and unfairly skipping the bathroom line.)_

Ben looks to his left, where Klaus is sitting— the boy in question has an elbow on top of his desk with his face propped on one hand while the other drums some random rhythm, staring at nothing seemingly lost in his thoughts, and Ben is ready to look away when he notices a trail of blood going down his nose, a couple of drops already staining the empty white pages of Klaus’ open notebook.

“Klaus? Are you alright?” Ben asks, worried. He looks at Klaus in search for signs of what’s wrong, but besides the nosebleed and looking a little wild, Klaus seems fine. Normal. He’s a bit thin, but then again Klaus has always been lanky, especially now at fifteen.

Klaus startles, looking at him in surprise. Maybe Ben hadn’t been as quiet as he’d intended if the other reacted that strongly to his voice.

“Hm? Yeah, why?” he asks, before realizing what’s wrong. “Oh. Shit, yeah. No, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. It’s nothing.”

Klaus brings a hand to his nose, looking at his bloody fingers for a split second with an unreadable look on his face before quickly and roughly wiping all the blood on his face with his sleeve, making a mess of his uniform jacket. At least it’s a dark color. When he turns back to Ben he’s smiling, as if trying to show him everything’s okay though his eyes are a little maniac, giving him a ‘what can you do’ shrug.

“See? No more blood. It’s all good, Benny.”

Ben frowns. He doesn’t exactly believe it, a nagging feeling at the back of his mind insisting to him that there’s more to it than that, but he can’t think of what it could be nor why Klaus would be lying about it and so he finds himself nodding all the same, trying to ignore his own worry.

It’s only when he finally looks away that he notices the room has gone quiet and everyone’s staring at them with both concern and unashamed curiosity in their eyes— or really, staring at Klaus, who pretends not to see it with all the casualness in the world though his bouncing leg betrays his agitation. Ben flushes at the knowledge that he’s unintentionally disrupted the lesson, something he’s never done before. He prays that their father never learns about this, even if he did it for a good reason.

When he looks at Pogo though, the chimp doesn’t seem annoyed with the interruption like he’d expected. Instead he looks saddened, looking at Klaus with somber eyes as if he knows exactly what that’s all about, and it only helps prove even further to Ben that something’s not right.

He only hopes that Klaus is okay.


	3. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a challenge to write, i'm so sorry for how long it took me to update. However! i have the next ones written and ready to go, so that's good news <3 thank you guys for the patience and I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> this chapter comes before Ben's, chronologically. they're 12-13.

It’s late at night and way past the bedtime their father has instilled for them since they were small children when Five finds him sneaking out again, trying to be as quiet and stealthy as possible— which given that it’s Klaus, isn’t much at all— as if there aren’t cameras everywhere anyway that are probably filming this, so that his every step and behavior can later on be carefully analyzed and categorized. Privacy was never anything but an illusion and a wishful dream in his house, for all that they like to forget.

He frowns. Klaus has been going out alone more and more ever since he fell down the stairs almost a year ago, and Five knows it won’t be long before the rest of their siblings start to catch up to what he’s doing. He doubts their father isn’t aware of it already.

“Where are you going?” Five asks, unable to hide his smile as Klaus yelps and jumps at the sound of his voice, clutching at his chest dramatically.

“Jesus, we should put a bell on you.”

Five raises an eyebrow at him, because really, as if that would stop him. “So?”

“Nowhere,” Klaus says, way too quick to be true, before sighing and throwing his hands up in mock surrender when that only makes Five stare harder at him. “Alright, alright. Nosy! I was thinking of going to Griddy’s, imagine that. I miss that place. It’s been a while.”

_ (It’s only been a week since they last went to Griddy’s. It was after another hostage situation, this time at a jewelry store, and they managed to sneak out after debriefing once their father busied himself with paperwork— the entire Umbrella Academy plus Vanya, who seemed to listen to their tales of how the mission went with wide, envious eyes as they all shared the free donuts Allison rumored for them.) _

_ (He knows it upsets her, to not be allowed to have fun with them and be part of the team. But it’s not like she would be able to do anything in a fight. Five just wishes she understood that just because she doesn’t have powers doesn’t mean she’s not special too, in her own way.) _

Klaus perks up. “Actually, speaking of that, you wouldn’t happen to have a little money to spare for your darling big brother, would you?”

Five refuses to fall for the obvious bait.

“I could go with you,” he offers instead, and it’s only half a bluff. “It would be my money, after all. I want some donuts too.”

Usually, they would only go with all seven of them, but it wouldn’t be so bad with just Klaus and him. He’s one of the less unbearable siblings and nowhere near as stupid as the others seem to think, being one of the few that can keep up with Five.

And Five’s suspicious.

It’s not the first time Klaus has asked him for money— at first, he never failed to pay him back, even if sometimes it was with gifts in the form of little trinkets or a favor or two, but with time it slowly started to become more sporadic as Klaus started to ‘forget’ he asked for it in the first place, or would ask for more before even paying back what he owed, making promises that were just as easily broken. It’s becoming a pattern.

Five’s not an idiot, and Klaus’ hardly subtle. He thinks he knows exactly where his money is going. 

Klaus gives him a nervous smile, aware that he’s been cornered. He shrugs. “Oh, I was actually wanting to spend some time alone, you know. Maybe take a walk,” he’s quick to say, with an ease betrayed by the way he bites his lower lip. “My room is starting to get a little  _ crowded,  _ and sometimes a boy just needs to be by himself, I’m sure you understand. And this house can be so stuffy!”

Five doesn’t buy any of it, but he finds himself nodding all the same.

“Sure.”

Because he knows, despite the fact that Klaus rarely speaks a word of it and always avoids the subject, how much he hates his powers and the effects they have on him. He doesn’t understand it— Five’s own powers are a part of him and he can’t imagine them ever not being— but he  _ knows. _

Still, he doesn’t hold any illusions to what his brother is doing.

Klaus waits for his answer, hand still hovering open in front of him as he wiggles his eyebrows shamelessly at him. Five sighs. He jumps back to his bedroom for a second before returning with the money in hands, with Klaus not having moved an inch while he was gone.

“Bring some for me,” he stresses before handing the money over, praying to not regret this. “For Ben and Vanya too.”

Klaus gives the dollar bills a kiss, smiling brightly as he walks away. “Danke! I promise I’ll be right back with all our yummy treats.”

Five snorts, fond.

He hopes Klaus is telling the truth, or that at least this convinced him to change his plans. Five  _ wants  _ to believe in him. Despite everything telling him to do otherwise, Klaus is his brother and Five wants to believe the best of him, to be able to trust him.

Five ends up falling asleep before he returns, sitting on his bed with a pen in hand and a lap full of pages on his time-travel theories— something in which he’s  _ sure  _ he’s only moments away from cracking, regardless of what Father may say, he can feel it in his bones— as he waited for his brother to come back as promised.

Klaus never gives him the donuts, nor the money back.

Five wishes he could say he's surprised.


	4. Allison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here they're 17, and things start to be too big and obvious to hide.
> 
> I've had this chapter ready to go for a while now and I'm so excited to see what you guys think, I hope I did young!Allison some justice - she's one of my favorites in the show. Hope you guys enjoy it! <3

Allison finds him shooting up in his bedroom when they’re seventeen, the needle just inches away from his skin.

She hadn’t bothered knocking before barging in— one of her favorite nail polish has gone missing and she just  _ knows  _ it was him who stole it, and besides, it’s not like they’re not used to the lack of privacy by now anyway. She doubts there’s anything she could see that would leave her more mentally scarred than she already is, what with growing up in a house with  ~~ five ~~ four teenage boys and no locks on the doors— only to freeze the instant her eyes land on Klaus and she realizes what’s happening, her indignation all but forgotten as shock takes its place.

They stare at each other, neither knowing how to react.

She knew, of course, that Klaus uses drugs but… there’s knowing, and there’s  _ knowing.  _ And a little weed is one thing— he’s done that since they were twelve and had even managed to get Allison to try it once, though she still keeps to her cigarettes whenever they smoke together— and whatever is in those pills she’s seen him take sometimes, that’s nothing. Those are harmless, right?

_ (Right?) _

And of course they worried about it sometimes, especially once Klaus started being more high than sober these days, but mostly… He was funny, and he seemed happy, so they all assumed it was fine and didn’t do anything about it.  _ They didn’t do anything. _

Klaus reacts first, putting the needle down out of her view as if that would in any way change what she’s already seen, a smile on his face that in any other situation might’ve convinced her but now she can see it’s too nervous to be real. The belt he’d been using as a tourniquet is left there, ignored. Or perhaps Klaus is simply too used to its presence by now to remember to hide it.

The thought feels like a slap in the face.

He gives her a shaky laugh, unsubtly looking behind her to check if there’s anyone else there. “Allison! Hey, sis…!” 

Before he can try and weasel his way out of it like he always does though, Allison is already speaking over him— her mouth moving faster than her brain, acting on pure instinct and only realizing what she’s going to do once she’s already doing it. 

_ “I heard a rumor that you threw all your drugs away!” _

Klaus closes his mouth with an audible snap, whatever bullshit he was about to spout forgotten, and she can see the betrayal on his face at what she’s done. Allison refuses to feel guilty about it. Not when she feels this scared for him, this sick in her stomach at what she’s just walked into. Not when he was stupid enough to mess with  _ heroin,  _ seriously, what the fuck Klaus? He knows what it does, how dangerous it is.

Why would he still do it anyway? Is he really that selfish, is the high really worth all the risks?

_ (Does he not know what losing him would do to them?) _

She watches as the rumor takes place, following him around as he gets rid of everything— compliant in the way everyone under one of her rumors always is, though it’s clear in his eyes once the clouded white is gone just how furious he is the entire time— and trying her hardest to not throw up once she realizes how much stuff there is, hidden away in places she never would’ve guessed; even the stuffed unicorn she’d given him ages ago hadn’t been spared, and didn’t  _ that  _ hurt to see. She can’t stop the tears from falling down her face though. 

_ (And to think she used to be jealous of Klaus for always seeming so grown up, so full of knowledge of the outside world and experienced. With all his parties and drinking and love bites. Free in a way she was never allowed to be, stuck inside this old house. Happy.) _

_ (She’d really been blind.) _

Klaus doesn’t speak with her for three weeks after that before randomly showing up in her room acting like nothing happened and asking her to paint his nails, his pupils dilated and with new track marks on his arms that she can’t help but notice, and all Allison can think of the entire time is that she should’ve rumored him to never touch drugs again instead. 

For some reason, she never manages to gather enough courage to do that.


	5. Diego

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this one, have some Diego!! (And technically the rest of the family too, even if in the background.)
> 
> <3

Diego has never heard Dad sound so furious before. 

They all watch from their bedroom doors, eyes glued to the scene— with the exception of Allison, who for some reason is seemingly unable to look anywhere else but the floor, something uncharacteristic of her and more fitting of Vanya instead— as Reginald continues his tirade of insults while Mom searches through Klaus’ room, out of their sight.

It seems like Klaus’ little drug habit finally came to bite him in the ass.

Klaus himself though doesn’t cry or react in any way at the scolding beyond looking away, despite the fact that Dad’s harsh tone has even Diego flinching. Instead he just stands there and takes it all in silence, not saying anything even though Diego knows the words must be getting to him.

Or at least, he didn’t.

Not until Mom gathered all the drugs and paraphernalia she’s found in his room and started to walk away, ready to dispose of them as she’s been ordered to do, and finally Klaus snaps— looking up so suddenly that it startles everyone but Reginald and Grace.

He starts to try and convince her to stop at first, which quickly turns into begging her not to do it until there’s desperate tears going down his face as he attempts to hold her by her skirt— _“Mom, please, it’s not— I need them, you have to understand, it’s not a big deal, please, I promise, don’t do this to me Mom, you can’t do this to me, please, please stop, I need it, I need them, you have to stop, give it back, I’m serious, Mom if— if you love me, if you really love me you have to give them back,”—_ and when that doesn’t work, when all it does is make her frown and hesitate for a second only to continue with a nod from their father, he gets angry instead. 

Klaus turns to Dad and he _screams,_ and nobody yells at Dad— not even Diego, who’s always challenging him, or even Five before he left.

Yet there Klaus is, spitting insults and hateful words at their father until he needs to be held down by Luther because he tried to throw himself at the man. Diego’s never seen him that angry before, never seen him angry at all. That’s not who Klaus is. Klaus is soft and carefree and wears his heart on his sleeve, too forgiving for his own good and always wanting to make everyone laugh like the goofball he's always been.

No one is laughing now.

Because shit, that— that’s an addict’s reaction.

Klaus is an _addict._

Diego never thought it was serious, it never once crossed his mind to think of Klaus’ more illicit habits as an addiction. A weakness, maybe— that’s what their father always called it, at least— and something he did for shits and giggles, a way to avoid his responsibilities and have fun, but not this. Never this. But there’s no way to mistake now what Klaus’ reaction means, no way to miss the hunger in his eyes when he watched Mom pass by with his drugs nor his despair at being denied of them. They’re barely eighteen for fuck’s sake, and yet Diego’s pretty sure he saw _needles_ in Mom’s hands, which… No. When the fuck did this happen, how did they miss this?

_(How did_ he _miss this?)_

How could they not realize what was happening right in front of them? Shit, it’s not like Klaus ever bothered to hide it.

_(Diego’s the big brother, he was supposed to watch over him— he was supposed to watch over them all.)_

They all watch, as if frozen in their places and unable to do anything else, as Klaus curses and rages and struggles in Luther’s arms until without a warning he just stops and drops down on his knees, like a puppet that had its cords cut, forcing Luther to go down with him— his loud sobs barely muffled by their brother’s chest as he hides his face there and his entire body seems to shake with his cries.

Reginald stares down at him, mouth twisted as if he’s never seen anything more disgusting, before leaving with only a disappointed sigh and a shake of his head. Like that’s not his son, their _brother._ Diego’s little brother.

The same little brother that used to come crying to him after nightmares as a kid and that once stole Mom’s makeup when they were seven and ran around the house with lipstick smeared all over his face, declaring himself the prettiest number. The same brother that would annoy him in one second and make him laugh in another, that'd cheer him up after training only to turn around and scare him shitless with his dumbass decisions.

Diego will never forgive Reginald for giving up on Klaus.

_(He’ll never forgive himself either, for failing him too.)_


	6. Luther

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're finally getting to the end.

Luther should’ve been paying attention.

That’s all he can think of, as he sits in the infirmary with his shoulders hunched with the weight of his failures waiting for any news, any news at all, be them good or bad. He’s Number One. The big brother, the leader— the one supposed to be responsible for them all. He should’ve seen it coming, paid more attention to the signs and  _ been there for him.  _ Helped, instead of ignored and judged. Maybe then this could’ve been avoided.

_ (Maybe— maybe if he’d done it before, if he’d been firmer and forced Klaus to get sober, to face his problems instead of running away from them in any way he could find, then maybe this wouldn’t have been a problem at all. Maybe he would still have a brother instead of a shell of a person.) _

It’s too late to fix his mistakes now.

Ben’s dead.

And Luther, weak in a moment where he was meant to be the strongest— the anchor to hold all his siblings close and unite them in the face of such tragedy, to help them get through this— allowed himself to get lost in his own grief, his own  _ guilt. _

It was his fault. Of course it was, and he knew for a fact that Father agreed with him. Call it whatever you want; a bad call, lack of proper intel, or maybe just something fated to happen sooner or later. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s the leader and Ben had been his responsibility. Luther had pushed him to fight despite knowing Ben’s thoughts about using his powers and how much he feared and resented it, and now he’s dead and gone and they’ll never have their brother again— the baby of the family, together with Vanya.

It’s been three months now and each passing day only makes his absence more obvious, more  _ painful,  _ like a gaping wound that refuses to stop bleeding and leaves them struggling to know what to do. There was never meant to be only five siblings.

_ (There was never meant to be only six, either.) _

He never realized throughout these three months that he had never really… stopped to think about Klaus.

That was his second mistake.

After Ben was gone, Klaus hardly showed up for missions anymore, though he had tried at the beginning after the two weeks of mourning Father had granted them ended. Luther’s seen him around the house, of course, drunk and high and stumbling around without a care in the world— even at Ben’s funeral, which only served to piss him off further  _ (not even to honor their brother he could sober up, never caring about anything other than himself and always desperate to be the center of attention)—  _ but beyond that, he’d slipped his mind entirely.

Luther can’t even remember the last time he talked— properly talked— with Klaus.

_ (He can’t remember the last time he talked with the rest of them either, without it ending up in either screaming or heavy silence. Even Allison is barely speaking with him, barely even looking at him and going as far as rumoring him away the one time he caught her crying and tried to offer some comfort. Somehow, when he hadn’t been looking, his entire family fell apart before he could do anything to stop it, and he doesn’t know where to even begin to help glue the broken pieces back together.) _

That is, until he finds him unconscious in the shared bathroom; hand hanging off of the bathtub as he looked one second away slipping underwater and drowning, eyes staring unseeing at a corner of the room— a bottle of whiskey and a handful of pills left forgotten on the floor.

Klaus overdoses for the first time when they’re nineteen.

Luther remembers how terrified he felt as he ran to the infirmary with his far-too-thin brother in arms, hollering for their Mother and siblings to come and help, desperate to not lose another one, to not fail him too. Wondering how they ever allowed it to get this far. He doesn’t leave his side once Grace’s done doing her job, as if afraid that if he looked away from the pale, frail body on the infirmary bed even if just for a second the worse would happen and they would be down to four— needing to make sure that Klaus is alive and breathing, and not getting up even after Allison tries to convince him to rest and Father comes down to yell at them for missing training.

What kind of Number One would he be if he did?

_ (What does it say about him, that he now knows the feeling of carrying two dying siblings in his arms? He should’ve done a better job to protect them, been a better leader and a better brother. Instead he doesn’t think he’ll ever be rid of the feeling of blood coating his clothes and hands, even months after, and the thought of stepping inside that bathroom again makes him sick.) _

_ (He doesn’t even know if Klaus meant to do it. He doesn’t know if he wants to know the answer, either.) _

On the other side of the bed sits Allison, holding Klaus’ hand with her own, voice rough from her attempts to rumor him awake and all the tears she shed, as Diego watches like a hawk from a corner of the room, switching between pacing around and resting his head on his hands; they avoid looking at him, pretending not to see the tears in his eyes nor the blood on his knuckles. Vanya still seems to be in shock, unable to do anything but sit there numbly and shake as she periodically fishes out another pill take.

Luther avoids looking at her too, the sight of it making his stomach churn.

When he finally wakes up, Klaus promises to stop— snot and tears going down his face as he tells them he’s sorry, he won’t do it again, please, please believe him, he didn’t meant to do it, he promises, he’s done with them— and Luther holds him, unable to take the image of his brother dying in a bathtub out of his mind, as Klaus cries and cries and cries.

And three days later he’s high again.


	7. +1 Bonus: Klaus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE WE GO!!!
> 
> Aaaa thank you so much to everyone who supported this story, you guys are all angels and I'd die for all of you ;A; <3 Also I can't NOT thank my dearest friend Sara, ObliqueOptimism, without them this fic wouldn't have been possible. And thank you TwistedIllusions for all the lovely comments, you made me cry bih!! (And darkhaze20 and all the others as well, I love all of you guys!)
> 
> This was legit the first chapter I wrote, so I'm beyond excited to see what you guys think. Enjoy! <3
> 
> also I'm so sorry

Four is scared.

That’s not really news— he’s  _ always  _ scared, even though Dad says he shouldn’t be and gets mad at him whenever he cries or wets his bed, saying that he should be past this childishness, as if the ghosts aren’t always staring and bleeding and screaming at him, never letting him sleep. 

When Dad said he’d start his special training, at first Four felt very excited— Dad rarely paid him any attention but now he was going to spend time with him and only him, and Four would finally get to make him proud with his powers and maybe then Dad would love him too!— until they actually got to the cemetery, and Four saw how many ghosts there were there. How many  _ monsters. _

His excitement didn’t last long.

But Dad didn’t let him leave, even as he cried and begged to him, wanting to be back home under the safety of his blanket— instead he told him to conjure the ghosts and talk to them, not seeming to listen as Four tried to explain through his tears that they were already there and that he didn’t want to talk to them, didn’t want to have to see all the gore that would surely never leave his dreams. Not even when Four tried to find some new useful power that would save him from  _ them  _ and maybe even impress Dad enough to help and take him anywhere else but here, or when he tried to escape, time after time, getting hurt in the process when he tried to force himself through the bars of the tall fence just to get away. 

None of it helped him listen. Dad didn’t care.

_ (Why didn’t he care?) _

They did that five times, always at night and always ending with Four whimpering and failing to do what was asked of him, before Dad gave up and locked him in the cemetery’s mausoleum instead, telling him to get rid of his childish fear— that only then he could be of use.

_ (Why didn’t Dad love him?) _

Four shudders at the thought of that place. He still has nightmares about it. 

He doesn’t know if he will ever not have.

_ (Rotting corpses screaming at him, their faces warped in anger and their bloody wounds all in view as they tried to touch him with skeleton-like hands, tried to grab and to claw and to  _ hurt,  _ his name being repeated over and over until it blended with their inhumane wails and cries for help. But he couldn’t help them, why didn’t they understand that? Useless, useless Number Four. He couldn’t help anyone, not even himself.) _

_ (The ruptured eardrums he got as little souvenir from that night was only proof of that.) _

It didn’t use to be so bad before. They were still there and still scary-looking, with all their wounds and twisted bodies, but a lot of them were just sad and quiet and some were even nice to him. Kind. Like that one french lady who used to sing to him during breakfast, her voice familiar though Four can’t remember why. The bad ones only really seemed to show up in the dark.

Ever since the mausoleum though they now follow him everywhere, haunting both his days and his dreams and refusing to leave. There’s no way to escape them, no way to be  _ safe.  _ And Four doesn’t know how much more he can take.

But he has an idea.

Four sneaks past Mom, making sure to walk closer to the walls and keep his footsteps light— she’s charging, but he knows it doesn’t take much to wake her up, as he’s gone to her plenty of times in the middle of the night to ask for a glass of milk or cry about his soiled sheets— until finally he reaches the bar downstairs in the living room, his objective all along. He takes a few breaths before quickly grabbing a bottle at random, not wanting to lose his courage. He can do this. He already came this far.

He knows what booze is, of course he does— he’s not a naive little kid anymore, he’ll be nine in just a few months!— and he once was haunted by a ghost that would always whine about missing it, about wanting to get drunk and forget this whole death thing, to be happy and numb again.

Four thinks happy and numb sounds pretty great to him.

He opens the bottle with both his hands, almost letting it slip and fall before managing to grab it again at the last second cursing himself for his own clumsiness, twisting his nose at the smell of it when he takes a sniff of the liquid inside. It smells disgusting. It tastes disgusting too, Four quickly finds out— but so do the insects and the mud Two always dares him to eat, and he never backed down before. He won’t do it now.

It’s worth it, to not be scared anymore.

Even if he knows that he shouldn’t and that doing it makes him  _ bad,  _ that Mom would be upset with him if she found out about it, and even if it makes him even more weak in Dad’s eyes, more worthless, more of a disappointment— even if it proves Dad right. Even if the ghost had died because of his drinking and even in his death didn’t seem to be able to think about anything else but it.

Even if Four needs to drink it every day, just to feel better.

It’s worth it. It has to be.

And when the ghosts start to quiet down after a few more sips, he knows he made the right choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I just wanted to say: first of all, I'm so sorry akljsdha BUT also there will be a sequel! I have yet to finish writing it, but the series is already up so you can subscribe to it if you're interested <3 thank you guys so much for following me on this journey!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> Thank you for reading and please don't forget to leave kudos and leave a comment telling me your thoughts, they feed the hungry author's soul! <3 Feel free to talk to me on tumblr @ my tua blog bentacles-hargreeves, or even @ my main remuslupinsmiled, where I'm up to talk about literally anything and am almost always online!
> 
> Cheers! <3


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